Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Confession Tuesday - New Soul Edition
I'm S.O. (slightly overwhelmed) and was looking forward to today. All week felt like Confession Tuesday or maybe I just felt like confessing because this is how I deal with things-- to talk it out.
So let's talk, let me confess all that is happening in my world that makes me S.O.
To the confessional--
I confess these days much of my life has been about being a home-owner and I feel pushed and pulled out of poetry.
I confess I'm having dreams about writing retreats every night because I am unable to balance my life--wife, mother, home-owner, volunteer, friend, daughter, sister, editor with my creative life: poet, writer, artist.
I remind myself that life is this way occasionally.
Sometimes we are able to have time for all we want to do. Other times we have time for the things we need to do. Sometimes what we need and want are not interwoven separate and different.
Sometimes I'm asking for a clock and I am given an abacus.
Sometimes our lives are beautifully sculpted ice sculptures--angels and clouds, other times we are just melting on the carpet and losing our wings.
I'm confess I'm melting currently. Mostly because of home projects.
While the mom in me does her mom things and the home-owner in me does her homeowner chores, I confess the poet in me dreams in simplicity, in Thoreau thoughts--a small cabin near a pond, an apartment overlooking the city, a small yard, a smaller home. But reality speaks the truth--future is not now and you cannot bury your head in that book. I must deal with the house (like Frida Kahlo had "La Casa Azul" I have La Casa Descuidada - um, The Neglected House).
Oh silly reality, you do not know me well-- I confess I have six lovely defense mechanisms for chaos and anxiety--
1) Writing: This is where I disappear into my own world of words and I always find myself happy here.
2) Sleep: When others panic about their lives, I nap. When others burn anxiety by running, doing something physical, I climb into bed.
3) Books: As many of you who were childhood readers know, when your world is too much, find yourself in someone else's world.
(BTW, to ignore my life, I confess I'm currently reading the extended eBook of Bossypants by Tina Fey - and it is hilarious. I am really bummed that I am going to finish this in no more than 3 days. I love it that much.)
4) Talk: I talk with friends who make me feel better.
5) Gratitude: Reminding myself all I do have.
6) Music: Sometimes a little Dave Matthews or Jack Johnson can save the day. Or the song New Soul by Yael Naim (above) always makes me happy.
I confess the more I live my life, the more I discover about what really makes me happy.
I guess this is really the key to making life's choices-- where you live, what you spend your money on, what you choose to do in life.
Still, sometimes I make such incredibly wrong choices like trying to do The Hustle when everything inside me just wants to waltz.
I confess while my most immediate family members (husband and daughter) are old souls, I am the new soul still floating around on this pond.
But I'm working on pushing away some walls and letting the light in.