Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Confession Tuesday



I took this photo in the Fremont district of Seattle. Fremont is known by the locals as "the center of the universe," so in case there was ever any question, PEACE is at the center of the universe. Just thought you should know that.


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To the confessions--


I sometimes wonder what my maturity age is when it comes to snow. Let's just say that my sled team came a little too close to the parked car and once ended up under a bush. And let the record show, that I was the one who came up with the brainiac idea of standing on the plastic orange toboggan and trying to use it as a snowboard...no parents, it wasn't the kids who came up with that one. Though I had farther to fall, and I did, and my shoulder still aches from my lack of balance and poor judgment. The kids? They did well. A few spills but no ills.

Also, earlier in the day I actually lost the children. How do you lose children when they have tracks to follow in the snow? But I did. Let's just say there is no mother of the year award for me during the snow day.

And my dog? He was also running wild throughout the neighborhood. Yes, I was *that* neighbor, the crazy one who is screaming for her dog and trying to find what hill all the kids went to. Oh, what a magical Christmas moment. My husband said, "You had them for 5 minutes, how did you lose them?" and "You are chaos in fleece."

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If you were to visit my house right now, you'd think it had been ransacked. Like that scene in that Bette Midler movie when they go to her house and Shelly Long says, "Oh my God, you've been robbed too!" and Bette says, "No, my house always looks like this." (Outrageous Fortune, that's it.)


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As the year ends, I've been thinking about blogging, what's good, what's not. Mostly my own, what can I do better, etc. etc. I started blogging because it was a good way for me to understand my own thoughts. By making it public, I had to think more clearly and be a little more articulate than I am in my own private journals, which is mostly just has wah-wah-wah entries or random info or facts that makes very little sense to me when I reread it. Also, I can't read my own handwriting and I prefer typing over pen to paper. It's quicker and less painful.

I was surprised the first time someone commented on my blog...what? Someone is actually reading this? It freaked me out that I stopped blogging for a bit, like the turtle realizing she wasn't alone, I pulled my head back in my shell and pretended the world that existed was only inside with me. When I got braver, I came out again. I deleted one blog I had kept for 2 years because as Jeannine puts it, I'm "shy online." I regret that. Don't delete your blog and if you do, keep a hard copy. You might not get that I can be "online shy" given all that write here, but the internet can freak me out a bit. Too big. And I don't always like it when the spotlight gets aimed in my direction. Too bright. Too self-conscious.

But I've stayed. Why? Because again, it comes down to waking up and organizing my thoughts, a sort of controlled morning pages. But why share them? Because I think it's important for other creative people to know that we all go through periods of self-doubt or darkness, that you can go months and months without a rejection or a good word about your writing. That we suffer from a lot of the same things-- fear, anxiety, worry, ego, pride, vanity, shame, concern, etc. etc. Name your poison-- you're not alone.

I remember when I first read Kim Addonizio's blog and she was bummed about a rejection. I remember thinking, "Her too?" She's so good, why can an editor get her down?

Because I could look into her life, I felt a little more normal myself. I think that's why I continue to have a blog and post the things I do. Sometimes I get off topic, sometimes I ramble about jars of pickles or things you could probably give a flying-duck about. But every once in a while, I hope my words somehow help, comfort, or even inspire you.

So know, I'm trying my best though I do have blogger fears such as being afraid of becoming a preachy blogger...or a judgmental blogger. If you ever see this in me, please drop me an email. I don't mind the occasional rant and if I see something I'm passionate about (Kiva.org, animal organizations, etc.) I will want to share this with you, but I don't want you to read this blog and feel bad about yourself in any way. If I start doing this, let me know. I want to inform, inspire, and entertain on this blog. Share a story or two. Document what's happening in my life. But I don't ever want you to think there is only one way of doing something or living a life or being a writer or poet, there's not, there are millions and billions of unique ways to live, to love, and (stealing from Rumi) kiss the ground and pray.

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I like the imperfect people best.





Amen.

2 comments:

Maya Ganesan said...

I deleted my old blog, not because I was "shy," but because I just wasn't happy with the way I was running it.

Later on I started up the one I have now, swore to myself I wouldn't keep deleting posts I didn't like - there's a ton of those still viewable on Google Reader...darn - and promised myself that I'd post only "good" things. So far, I don't hate myself that much, but I might be letting a little too much out online...I'm a little worried about the post I did yesterday.

I'm not much of a let-go-of-my-emotions person, so this is sort of new territory for me...especially online. I wonder if this is the right place to open up. Probably not.

~ said...

Hi Maya,

You know, it's hard, especially when you're younger as you don't want to post something that will be a problem for you later on. The internet is odd that way, you say something stupid in real life and it's forgotten because it just vanishes in thin air- you say something stupid on the internet and there is sits...

But I guess I realize, life is short and we are all human, we make mistakes, we put our foot in our mouth when we try to say the right thing. So don't be too hard on yourself. I tend to think people are forgiving and mostly, there is so much out there and you are quite the talent and an articulate person, that I'm not too worried about what you post, I'm sure it's wonderful and fine.

Emotions are a kind of different and may need to come out a little slower just so you don't feel too vulnerable on your blog. Give it time and let yourself figure out what you're comfortable with and if you write something and then decide your not comfortable with it, delete it. I've done that. And while stuff like that can always be found, for the most part, it just disappears and you can move on and determine what feels best to you.

Anyway, as most of life is, it's a learning thing.

Thanks for your note.

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